03 April 2008

10,000 B.C.

I knew going in this would be stupid. Seeing as Roland Emrich might be the stupidest director ever. He's certainly the worst. But he's also probably very stupid.

Anyway. Without further ado, here's the list of stupid (in no particular order).
  • Iron shackles
  • Chains
  • Iron/steel weapons
  • Sabertooth... thing
  • Being thirsty when there is snow everywhere
  • Three different prophecies
  • Calling a race of people the greatest warriors in the land and never showing them kill anyone
  • Awful dialog
  • Inexplicably weird ending that has nothing to do with anything
  • Too many dangling stupid plot hooks to count
  • Wooly Mammoths
  • White Eqyptian God
  • Pyramids
  • Calling the film 10,000 B.C. when it could (instead) have been a fair-to-good fantasy movie.
  • Hunters that don't know a teenager is following them for a FULL DAY.
The boats and bad guy costumes were really really cool. Wow. Is that the best thing I can say about this movie? Oh. Yeah. The CGI animals.

Woohoo.

Gobots Go!!

30 March 2008

Lethal Weapon 4

Wow. I forgot how bad this movie was. If it didn't have a good chase in the middle and Jet Li, I'm not sure I could say even one good thing about it.

And that was it.

Jet Li plays his first ever villain in his first ever American film. And he's fantastic. Why do they insist on making him speak in all the American tripe he produces. His far-away stare is magic. Just make him do that.

Okay.

Let's just go down the list of bad and be done with it. This review took 15 minutes too long to write and I want to go to sleep.
  • Mel Gibson goes from dark and brooding suicide-candidate in Part One, to someone waiting for a brain-donor in Part Four.
  • The director can't make up his mind. He's as retarded as Gibson. He wants us to love poor, dirty Chinese immigrants with 50 kids and hate all other Chinese who show any kind of ambition. Because in this film there are only two. Ambitious criminals and sweet illegal immigrants. Is this where Crash got inspiration for its message of great hispanics; bad everyone else.
  • The racism is non-stop. The Ls for Rs joke (which is about 50 years out of date) is so prevalent, you eventually tune it out. Flied Lice? Are you serious? In the late 20th century?
  • What is up with the car-honking thing when Riggs and Murtaugh interrupt the General and Jet Li? My god. The retard-level just piqued.
  • Danny Glover gets so cartoonish, he's now playing a caricature of himself.
  • Joe Pesci. Shut up about the drive thru!!!
  • Chris Rock. Ever heard of enunciation? It's a trick actors use to be heard AND understood.
  • Renee Russo. What are you doing in this film? Did your agent explain how this might damage your career?
  • I'm supposed to believe that Traci Wolfe (perhaps some of the prettiest and underused eyes in Hollywood) is married to Chris Rock? And carrying his baby?
  • The dialog is some of the worst in the series. Maybe ever. All the racism aside, this movie's dialog was targeted to moronic kindergarteners who dig in the sand with a honeyed-stick for something to eat. So. So. So bad.
  • You want to get married? You do? You don't? What? Huh? Oops. Train.
  • Can we ignore the last ten minutes in the hospital?
  • http://www.hour.ca/film/movie.aspx?iIDFilm=1194&v=vf

Run Fat Boy, Run

Funny. Funny. Funny.

Fantastic movie. Predictable, but not an American comedy, at all. So very British. Excellent ending.

Simon Pegg always pleases. Thandie Newton was an odd cast. The kid has bad teeth. Hank Azaria is steady, as always. Dylan Moran plays Gordon, 180 degrees from his character in Shaun of the Dead.

Maya Goshdashtidar is played by India de Beaufort... the sexiest new woman in years. Wow. Watch for this one.

Directed by David Schwimer even.

What else can I say. Funny movies are very rare nowadays. Go see this one.

From imdb.com
On a March 21st appearance on _"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (1993)_, ’David Schwimmer (I)' brought up the scene between Hank Azaria and Simon Pegg that takes place in the locker room. Generally, if males have to be nude for a scene, they will use a nude (flesh) colored pouch to cover themselves. However, for some reason, the pouch wouldn't stay put and Azaria ultimately decided to forgo wearing it -- but told Schwimmer not to say anything to Pegg. The reaction of shock we see from Simon Pegg when Azaria drops his towel is genuine.